Better than expected.

Day 24.

Upon the many moments of crying and moping around, I've come to the point where my tears have run dry. I try to make it happen sometimes but it just doesn't. It's definitely a good thing that I'm doing fine. but it bothers me how soon it is. Getting over a 2 year relationship within 24 days? If someone would have told me this would be the case I would have never believed them. It scares me sometimes, being okay. It's too easy. Too good to be true. But what the hell? I'm happy now, so I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I guess I just got rid of a toxic mentality. No more ifs. No more what-might-have-beens. It's over now and I have accepted that fact. Yes, it would be better if we became close friends like before, but maybe now is just not the time for that. Now is the time for us to focus on ourselves. And I had come to realize that I wanted this as much as he did. I just didn't have the guts to ask for it. No more bitterness here. He did what he knew was best for the both of us. And I'm very thankful.

The adjustment is pretty weird. Being someone's girlfriend for a couple of years, and suddenly being on your own. But I really am appreciating the time I have gained for myself. And the both of us have never felt more free. We were good together, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. I'm glad we ended things in good terms. At least there's a chance that he can be in my life forever, even just as friends. It's better than nothing at all. And besides, I missed being independent. I'm doing things I couldn't imagine I could ever do alone. I'm having fun, I'm getting my way, and I'm focusing on the right things. Acceptance is key.

It's taking too long

Day 13

Seems like a normal day to any other person. It's a Sunday so they're probably dreading the fact that the weekend is ending. I used to love Sundays. Cause I know that despite the fact that the weekend is almost over, I know that I would spend the next day with you. We'd lay around and do nothing, like we would when we're not together. But the difference was we WERE together. And it just makes even just bumming around so much better. But now that day comes to bite me in the ass. Now I dread Mondays like no one has before. An entire day looking for people to spend it with, trying to kill time, and acting like everything is a-okay. When it's not okay, and I don't want to kill time, and I don't wanna be with anyone else but you.

What sucks the most it that I bet it doesn't go both ways. I bet you'd wake up in the afternoon, not aware what day it is, try to play your games, or your music, think of what to eat, and by night you'd be spending it with the boys like you always wanted. I wouldn't even slip your mind unless someone asks about me, and if that ever happened, you'd answer as briefly as you can and then forget about me again. And I don't blame you nor do I hate you for being okay. It's more that I envy you. How you can lay around and do nothing, while I can't sit still for more than five seconds cause I'd go crazy. I envy how you laugh genuinely, while I laugh but think about you at the back of my head. It sucks for me that whenever I cry because I miss you, I wonder when was the last time you cried for me, let alone missed me.

It all boils down to one question. Why? As I look at the things you've left behind, and the things I tried to do to make you happy, I just can't wrap my head around why I wasn't enough. What didn't I do? Was it because I wasn't adventurous enough? Cause I swear to god I tried. I'm just not like that. I think of the consequences. I just can't live not thinking what's in store for me next. But I did try. Was it that? Was it because I was around all the time? Cause I didn't mean to smother you, it's just that our lives are too entwined to one another. We have the same of everything, and I did not intend for it to be that way. All I ever did was to make you happy. But I just can't seem to figure out what wasn't enough for you to want this as much as I did?

I can kill myself with these unanswered questions, and these nagging fears... but I won't. I just need to let it out somehow. I know you'll never read this cause you were never really interested to look at my blog, but maybe that's a good thing. I don't need you to care. I just need me to NOT care. I love you so much and I'll bet anything that you're aware of that. But something's telling me it's time to stop hoping that you'll figure things out. It's not fair to me. Besides, if you have your issues, you might probably never get over them. It's just a shame cause I really did love you. I still do. I can't imagine the day that I'll love you less. But some things aren't meant to be. Just because I can't not love you, it doesn't mean that I can't accept this fact.

I'm thankful that I learned to love this much. It makes me feel more human. I'll try to do it again to someone who fits with me. I mean, I always knew, coming into this, that it wouldn't always be good times. I knew it wasn't black and white. There are gray tones. I just didn't expect it to be this complicated. I thought that if you both want to make it work, that it would. But it's still not that simple. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. It's not meant to be. And it hurts for me to admit that. I guess I'm afraid to go through this again with someone else, but love just happens. We get over it. We live. It just seems like the hardest thing, but we were all built to survive it. So whatever happens, happens. I might not know what our future brings, but no matter what I know I'll be fine.

So I wrote you this instead.

I want to talk to you, but it's not the right time. I need you right now, but I am not in the position to beg. There are other things going on with me that I would have loved for you to save me from. But you're not here, and I don't know how to manage.

But maybe I have to get used to this feeling. That feeling of being down and not having to call you as an option. It's hard, but I'm gonna have to get through this without you. You've been there all the time, and for that I am thankful. But I have to do things on my own, like I used to. Just so I would know, that I'm staying because I love you, and not because I need you.

You're a part of my life for sure. No matter what that's not gonna change anymore. I've found out so much about myself because of you, and not a day has passed that I forgot that. Thank you, for being there when I needed you. For helping me find myself amidst all the confusion. For loving me unconditionally, and understanding me even when I didn't even understand myself.

I don't want to leave just yet. But something's telling me it's time. I don't feel important or empowered anymore. I feel so dependent on you. I don't think that even you take me seriously. I don't feel significant. But the problem is despite all that I can't feel right now, there's one thing I still DO feel. And I guess that balances it out.

So please, maybe for the last time, I'm asking for your help. I'm stuck in the middle. So please either help me be happy again, and let's give this one more shot, or help me move on. Cause being stuck here is the worst.

Movie Review: Something Borrowed

Something Borrowed is a story between two best friends, Darcy (Kate Hudson) and Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin). Darcy is getting married to her boyfriend of six years, Dex (Colin Egglesfield), whom she met through Rachel cause they were in law school together. Everything seemed so perfect until Rachel admits that she used to have a crush on Dex, and as it turns out, he felt the same way. Now Rachel is left with a choice between her friendship with Darcy, and her true love.

Watch the trailer

My thoughts: (Spoiler Alert)

I am sorry, I'm usually a fan of Kate Hudson's movies, but I hated this movie so much. I usually dislike a movie because of its bad acting, editing, cinematography, and other elements such as that. But this movie was fine with all those aspects. What I hated was the story itself. It appalled me that Hollywood came up with a script like this just to come up with a new and "fresh" love story plot. But it's all wrong in so many levels.

All throughout the movie, Rachel and Dex kept sneaking around behind Darcy's back. And I get the fact that the established that Rachel liked Dex before Darcy, but they make it seem like there are circumstances when it's okay to cheat. WRONG. And this Rachel character which I presume they wrote out for everybody to root for, I just really hated her. They make her look like she has a conscience, and that Darcy's a controlling bitch, but it's still not okay.

Another thing I hated about this movie was the failed attempts to make the audience hate Darcy's character. When all else fails, they had a safety net - in the end they reveal that Darcy cheated too. But in real life that's just an episode of Jerry Springer. It's not who cheated on who. So they made it fair for Dex to cheat. But Rachel is still an awful friend, and the fact that she got everything in the end, that was just it for me. This was a stupid, manipulative script and I hated it.

Make Up Portfolio: Luscious Closet Shoots

So I did the make up for the latest Luscious Closet shoots. And here they are. :)

Be sure to check out Luscious Closet on Facebook! They have soo many cute clothes! :)

Here's a few from their latest collection...

Lexy Tank top (P400)

Teal tutu skirt (P650)

Buy it!

Chain tank (P500)

Bodycon skirt (P600)

Buy it!

More cute clothes here! Happy shopping!

What I gained from my mom's Australia trip :D

Okay, couple of weeks back, my mom went to Australia. At first I was sad cause she wasn't gonna be around for almost a week, but when she got home, boy was I thrilled! Haha! So this is what she got me, and what I think of them so far. :)

Nars blush in Orgasm

Pros:

• Very natural looking, despite the fact that it's a shimmer blush.
• It's perfect for a clean, polished, pristine look.
• Very elegant looking, and very subtle.
• Good for a simple night look that looks minimal, but with that extra kick.

Cons:

• It's acually pretty sheer, so I wouldn't use it on models for photoshoots or fashion shows.
• It really takes a lot of product to be noticeable.
• Again, it's shimmer, so despite the fact that the color is natural, it wouldn't be a good selection for a "no make up look" (could work for a "barely there look" instead)
• The container gets dirty very easily. You shouldn't put it in your makeup bag cause it catches product a lot. If you don't use it everyday, just leave it at home, in a drawer. Otherwise, keep it in the box or put it in a small ziplock bag.

Mac Sheertone blush in Peaches

Pros:

• I am SOOOOOO in love with this blush! I first got it when I was in highschool, and it really worked for me cause it has a very natural finish.
• Looks very cute on any skin tone, so you can use it on your friends too!
• Lasts really long. The last one I got, I used for 2 years, EVERYDAY before it ran out.
• You really get your money's worth. I don't know a single soul who regrets buying this blush.

Cons:

• Probably just the price. It's a bit expensive. But then again, it's MAC so you really can't expect it to be cheap.
• Oh and it's sort of flat looking, so it's really just to get a natural flush on your cheeks. If you want this shade, but some definition as well, use it with a contour and some highlight powder. More on that later. :)

Clinique "take the day off" makeup remover

(for lids, lashes and lips)

Pros:

• I first tried this cause it was a gift to me from my bestfriend, Rya. And now I absolutely love it, so I asked my mom to buy me one in a bigger container.
• Takes little product to take away all your eyeliner and mascara! (1 dip with a Q tip will do!)
• Not harsh on the eyes.
• Also cleans away excess lipstick that you thought wasn't there anymore.
• Very light fluid, so you don't get that creamy mess on your eyes that you get from cold cream.
• One small bottle will last you months. Just imagine how long the full sized bottle will last!
• Lid is very well constructed, so you can travel, and put it with the rest of your stuff without having to check on it. It's really tightly closed!

Cons:

• A bit pricey. (Though you're really gonna get your money's worth)
• The small ones are not always available, so if you want to try it, your gonna have to buy the full sized one. (You won't regret it, though. I swear!)

Mac Prep+Prime

Transparent finishing powder

Pros:

• Very light powder. It's hard to over do.
• Never gets cakey.
• Doesn't make your face lighter than it is.
• You don't need much, so it's really gonna last long.
• Hasn't caused any breakout whatsoever, possibly even made my skin better!
• Really cute, simple packaging. (I love it's black lid with glitter on it.)

Cons:

• Since it's REALLY light, you have to be careful with the container. The powder flies around all over the place. It's advisable that you just get the excess you can get from the lid. That's about all you're gonna need anyway. :)
• You can't really put it on while inside a car, cause again, it flies around to easily.

So that's about what I got. I'll try to talk about more of my other stuff next time. :) Feel free to share your thoughts if you ever do try any of these products. :)

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